Top 5 Conservative Slurs
This is my Top 5 most heard slurs, and my very sweet response to each.
1. “You’re conservative?! I thought you were intelligent!”
I thought so too. Guess my mother told me wrong. Oh those Jewish mommies…
And according to Churchill :
A liberal is a man with both feet planted firmly in the air. – Winston Churchill
I’m happy being a heartless realist.
2. “You can’t be a Jew and a conservative!”
Damn. So should I stop being right or going to Shabat dinner? There go my marriage prospects.
3. “You’re Republican — you don’t believe in democracy”
No, I believe in totalitarian regimes with me as chief dictator.
Note: In my land, using the word “change” more than 5 times results in instant prison time. Using it without saying what you are trying to change (e.g. “We want change!”) means a life term.
4. You’re against minorities!
I’m an endangered species. Last time, I counted there were 12 of us left. Being a Russian conservative Jew from Brookline, MA should put me on the government watch list and at least entitle me to a national park.
5. You hate gay people.
Of course. Just like I hate straight people. I don’t discriminate when I hate. I usually decide who to dislike based on how many times they insult me not on whom they sleep with.
NB: Sarcasm is what makes the world go round, if you don’t get it and think I am a horrible person, don’t bother emailing me about it.